Well, it’s been a LONG time since my last post. It has been a very rough road for us, grieving for our son. It has taught me much about myself, and my faith. My faith isn’t something I often address, but I felt strongly to post about this tonight, so here it is… Josh and I are going through the classes to be foster parents. The one thing everyone is cautioning me about is not to foster unless we can keep the kids because we will become attached. I, too, thought this was sound advice when looking at foster care from my perspective. I, however, have had my heart prepared and my eyes opened. My perspective has changed.  This is NOT about me! I HOPE I get attached! These are kids coming from broken homes who have had little or no consistency in their lives! EVER! They are kids who never get touched or hugged or told how much they are loved. They have no security. If I can do that for a child, no matter how long that child is mine, it is worth the heartache I go through.

I sat here tonight thinking about the fact that my son or daughter is probably out there right now. He could be going to bed hungry, not having eaten for a week. She could be being beaten or hurt. She could be sleeping in a park somewhere, cold and afraid. I sat here tonight thinking about these things in my nice, warm home and I felt ashamed for thinking about going through adoption and not getting ‘attached’. This is not about me. I am an adult, I have therapy and coping methods that will get me through, just like I got through losing Oliver.  My kids don’t have those methods… yet. So I sat here tonight and all I have is to pray that God will keep my children safe. I don’t know where they are, or who they are, but He does. That’s where I am taking my comfort. If the time comes when my children are re-unified with their bio- parents, I will wonder every night if they are warm, safe, full, and happy. I will take my comfort in God’s promises for orphans and their caregivers:

-Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families.

Psalms 68:5-6

-And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.

Matthew 18:5

-Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice.

Proverbs 31:8-9

-In you the orphan finds mercy.

Hosea 14:3

-Never take advantage of any widow or orphan. If you do and they cry out to me, you can be sure that I will hear their cry.

Exodus 22:22-23

I wanted to write a little about Ollie while he is still so fresh in my mind. this post is mostly for me, so I can go back and re-read it when the details get foggy… He was so beautiful. and he was TALL! most babies at 16 weeks gestation are 4.57 inches (average) and Ollie measured in at 7 inches! In that respect he looked like an older baby than he was. He was long on his Ultrasound too 23mm at 8 weeks gestation. his growth in the 8 weeks that followed was AMAZING. Ollie looked so much like Josh. He has his nose and cheeks, but my chin… maybe my ears too, they were pretty small like mine. In the hospital I asked Josh what his favorite part of Ollie was and he said his little hands. they were fragile, his fingers were about the width of a straight pin. He had a long torso, like his Aunt Rachel has. My favorite part was his tiny feet i think… I think his baby toe was the smallest thing I have ever seen… about half the size of one tiny piece of Nerds candy. so tiny. One of my other favorite parts was his little tounge… if you tilted his chin to open his mouth, you could see inside and it was so small, maybe something about the size of half a Skittle MIGHT have been able to fit his mouth. you could also see his tiny little ribs and sternum, they were perfectly outlined. he looked perfectly healthy, which makes it so much harder to believe that he will never grow. even the kids’ armpit was cute for heaven’s sake! I’m sure all parents feel that way, but he truly was breathtaking.

I want to thank everyone for their prayers! for those of you who don’t know, tuesday afternoon my water broke, so we went to the hospital. eventually the baby’s heart stopped, so we had to deliver him. We named him Oliver Harbaugh, ollie for short. he weighed 3.5 ounces and was 7 inches long. He was breathtakingly gorgeous! I wish we had been able to know him, but he is in a better place. We will probably post pictures in a few days for those who want to see them.